October 22nd, 2013 By Zak "Attack" YoungBOB ARUM IN HIS OWN TONGUE
Los Angeles, CA- Promoter. Snake Oil Salesman. Marijuana enthusiast. Bob Arum of Top Rank Promotions wears many hats. A graduate of Harvard Law School, Arum has had an extremely lucrative career in boxing. He is responsible for some of the biggest fights in history (Marvin Hagler-Roberto Duran, Oscar De La Hoya-Felix Trinidad) and some of the biggest non-events (Juanma Lopez-Yuriorkis Gamboa, Floyd Mayweather Jr.-Manny Pacquiao). Arum is both good and bad for boxing, as one would expect from a man who once said “Yesterday I was lying, but today I’m telling the truth.”
TOP RANK CZAR STILL HAS “FIRE IN BELLY”
Like any good lawyer, Arum knows the difference between “the letter of the law” and the actual meaning. At the ripe age of 81, Arum still has the fire of a man 40 years his junior, and is the creator of a complex language known as “Arumaic.” It is one of the oldest languages in the sport of boxing, and has yet to be properly decoded by a non-speaker. After years of research, I believe I have finally cracked the code.
CODE OF ARUM HAS BEEN FINALLY DECODED!
When Bob Arum said he had been lying the day before but was telling the truth now, what he really meant was “I am always lying”. It is a promoter’s job to generate interest in fights, and sometimes the truth just ain’t that interesting. Sure, Bob could say “I have no intention of ever letting Manny Pacquiao fight Floyd Mayweather,” but what fun would that be? It is a lot more exciting to let Uncle Bob toy with the boxing public for four years. I for one sat by my computer screen enchanted with each new roadblock Arum managed to put up. One day it was about the principle of Mayeather asking Pacquiao to do additional drug testing. The next day it was the need for a giant outdoor stadium to house the fight. Another time, poor Pacquiao just had such a massive cut that there was no way it could heal in time for a Mayweather fight several months from then. You gotta give it to the guy. He’s creative.
THERE IS SOME CLEARING IN THE KUSH HAZE
Every once in a while, Bob accidentally lets a bit of plain English slip out of his mouth between bong tokes with Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. (47-1-1, 32 hits off a blunt). When Timothy Bradley (31-0, 12 KOs) won a highly controversial decision over Manny Pacquiao (54-5-2, 38 KOs), Arum said, “I’m going to make a lot of money on the rematch, but this was outrageous.” This still requires a bit of translation, but what Arum means here is “I’ve run out of legitimate non-threats for Pacquiao to fight. Instead of working with another promoter and having to share revenue, I can set up a needless rematch to continue milking his legacy.” It was a win-win for Bob. Pacquiao won in the eyes of the public, but he now had a loss on his ledger to a guy who Bob also generated money from.
LAST TWO HOT TICKETS LEFT PLANTATION
Oscar De La Hoya (39-6, 30 KOs), one of Arum’s greatest moneymakers, escaped Top Rank to start his own highly profitable company, Golden Boy Promotions. Golden Boy now competes with Top Rank for shares of the U.S. boxing market. Floyd Jr. (45-0, 26 KOs) followed in Oscar’s footsteps and dropped ” Bob to start Mayweather Promotions, which is essentially a branch of Golden Boy at this point. Though De La Hoya is now free from the slimy grasp of Ol’ Bob, some of that patented Arum residue still lingers.
OSCAR SPEAKS MORE THAN SPANGLISH
Hoyanese“, a form of Arumaic, has developed in recent years. This is not to be confused with “Hoya’s knees”, which are nearly completely eroded after years of crawling around on all fours in fishnets. Because Oscar has always been so well-liked by the public, Hoyanese may be even more devastating that Arumaic. A popular Hoyanese phrase is “My fighter has the blueprint to beat Floyd Mayweather”. The actual meaning of this is “Thank you for all of your money, fellow Mexican-Americans. Let us watch our brown brother swing at air all night en route to a unanimous decision loss. I know you’re all paying to see Mayweather get knocked out by a Mexican, and I promise after a few Coronas you won’t be able to tell the difference. Don’t forget, we can always say ‘Floyd just ran the whole night’ even when he outlands his opponent by a wise margin.”GET READY FOR ANOTHER BOXING LANGUAGE
These boxing trailblazers have paved the way for yet another exciting new language. I am excited to report that the first “Floydian” sentence may have already been uttered. After dispatching Canelo Alvarez (42-1-1, 30 KOs) with ease, Mayweather had a recomendation for the young Mexican’s next fight. “I think he should fight Molina,” said Floyd, referring to IBF light middleweight (154) champion Carlos Molina (22-5-2, 6 KOs), who had just defeated Mayweather Promotions fighter Ishe Smith (25-6, 11 KOs) for his title. As a stipulation to set up a Smith-Molina fight, it is rumored that Mayweather requested a percentage of the revenue from Molina’s next fight. Somewhere, Arum and Oscar just let out tears of joy. Their protégé just created the awe-inspiring “Floydian,” an Arumaic-Hoyanese hybrid.